Being on trail means lots of time to think. As I think less and less about how bad my feet hurt, my mind is turning to other things, like weight loss. It occurred to me that the Hiker Diet Fad hasn’t caught on, and I’m not sure why. Here are the rules of the hiker diet.
1) Procur all the food you plan to eat in the next 4-7 days. When doing this, be sure to get the highest calorie foods available-oil, peanut butter, nutella, nuts, chocolate, pre-packaged processed foods, candy, bars, pasta, chips, cured meats, cheese, anything you can think of that you wouldn’t eat in normal daily life. If you’re having trouble with this step, ask yourself, would Homer Simpson eat this? If the answer is yes, then buy it right away.
2) Put all this delicious (ahem, junk) food some place that you consider semi-clean–the patio of a post office, the floor or couch of a trail angel’s house, or possibly a kitchen table if you have such luxuries available to you.
3) Take everything out of it’s original packaging so that it’s difficult to identify the items. Ie) instant potatoes could be confused with dried milk.
4) Place everything in separate ziplock bags. For items that you are concerned could spill, double ziplock them.
5) Put all of these items into a large, heavy-duty, specially made ziplock container that is waterproof and thicker than the typical ziplock. This makes it really difficult to see what food you have so you cannot look at it and immediately get hungry.
6) Then put the ziplocked, ziplocked, heavy-duty-ziplocked bag that is full of all-your-food-that-you-can’t-tell-what-it-is into a heavy duty white bag that (a) you cannot see through and (b) a bear cannot bite through. The white bag, called a URsack, has a thick nylon cord on the top that you cinch as tight as you can and then tie a tight knot so that no one, not even you, can easily access the contents.
7) Put this package anywhere in your back pack that you can fit it, but probably close to the middle with several items on top to make it more difficult to get to.
8) Close your backpack using the drawstring, and 3 clips to keep all your things from falling out.
9) Start walking 20 miles while carrying all of your food and about 25 more pounds.
9) Any time you get hungry, undo the backpack clips, unpack your backpack, untie the knot on the white bag, open the industrial strength ziplock bag, dump out the contents of the bag, identify desired food if possible, undo the ziplock(s), prepare the desired food attempting to avoid dirt and grime while using your spoon that you cleaned off with your tongue the last time you ate, and indulge yourself. Don’t hold back, you’re a hiker and you can eat as much as you want.
10) Put all items away as described above. If it’s nighttime, consider tying your URsack to a tree or a rock to prevent animals from running away with your food. This makes you think twice before seeking out that midnight snack.
11) Finally, for foods requiring cooking, make sure your cooker is in a completely separate place in your pack from your food. The pounds will melt away even quicker when you do this.
I think the Hiker Diet Fad is going to be revolutionary. Leave your testimonials below.